You know...I hate people who bitch and moan, yet here I am doing just that. Well I suppose the reason is good enough, but still. Since no one is going to be reading this other then me, I guess I can babble all I want. Hmm...now what about. Ah, lets start with parents. Yes, yes, everyone says 'i hate my mom or dad' but let me explain. I do not...well, okay my father...and yes also my mother at times. What really...urks me is that I CANT be angry with my dear mother, who pisses me off like any other parent would their child if not more. Why you ask? Because she's sick. No, not 'likes watching animals die' kind of sick...but disease kind of sick. What disease? Does it really matter? No..i guess not. But thats not the point. I am unable to yell, make remarks or even give the pissy ass look without feeling bad for it later. Is that normal? Hm...despite her having this illness my whole life, i still cant find myself to 'express' myself as i wish. Anger play's a huge part in what I...'feel'. Wow. That sounds pretty retarded. But oh well. And this...anger, loathing, discust for the person who i love dearly, yet at the same time cannot stand more then half the time is driving me absoluetley insane. This little journal entry is now turning into a full out mental outpour isint it? Maybe i should go to a shrink...but i dont talk to people like that. Especially about the experiances, problems, or emotions i have and am going through now. Hm...i sound like a total dumbass. Well, lets keep going shall we? Biting your tongue to the point of not being able to say anything to anyone is what is happening to me...and i really really really...dont like it. Whenever she or he or it or camel or browless or even the occasional friend say's something i dont like, i find myself not speaking my mind more and more. I want to be...'outward' with my...anger more, yet i know this desire could be the end of what i have now. Yes i do have friends. Good friends. Friends i can rely on. Friends i know will be there. But if i were to turn and snap at them...i'd lose that 'privalege' forever. I just wish i had more of a backbone i suppose. But only with my mother. Not counting the assinine remarks, mocking, and making fun of people, i still find that the smile i have is only a outer layer of the true apethetic person i am. Meh...but why should i bitch. Why AM i bitching. Ugh...I'm tired of typing...I'll just ponder all this in my head again. Momma's poppin' pills dont get a girl to happy anyway.

~Dawn